Eating in the UK in the 50's

   Pasta had not been invented.

   Curry was a surname.

   A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

   A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

   Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

   All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

   A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

   Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

   A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

   Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

   Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

   Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

   Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

   Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

   Only Heinz made beans.

   Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

   Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

   None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

   Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

   People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

   Indian restaurants were only found in India.

   Cooking outside was called camping.

   Seaweed was not a recognized food.

   "Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.

   Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

   Prunes were medicinal.

   Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

   Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

   Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

   The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties ……………. was elbows!

Fabric Last Will and Testament

Hilarious

Elephants never forget.. This one did!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

This got me, read it right to the end.........

Fifty Sheds of Grey

Buy the Book

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of his garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the same conclusion, the bottom of the garden was the only place for a garden shed

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other Welly.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to break into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the capital of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got cellulite and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

........................................

I started reading Fifty Shades of Grey and by page 382 was so bored I gave up, this on the other hand is funny and a better read in my opinion that is!!!!

Having trouble with Attributes? Here's a guide! written by Sparrowsalvage

I came across this post on the Etsy Forums  written by Sparrowsalvage. She has taken the time and effort to put this together to  explain the new attributes that have been added to Etsy listing. I need say no more except to say a huge thank you and I am sharing this for anyone who is in need of an explanation of the terms. Many thanks Sparrow. Love your sense of humour:)


I've been reading about the new attributes Etsy's putting in to our listing, but as I clap my hands with delight at how much easier it's going to be for me to shop for my friends and myself, I'm worried for a lot of people that this is going to be difficult for them. As I've been obsessed with fashion and interior magazines for the better part of 25 years I've heard most of these genres, so I thought I'd offer up some help in an attempt to make it easier for people. Most of you already know your own style, and any of these styles can also be Googled with the addition of 'style fashion' on the end but you might not get a pure idea of the style, and that cold take a long time!



So buckle yourself in, sweethearts! Here's my basic breakdown- I'm sorry it's very long but there's a lot of genres! It's taken me the best part of 3 hours to do this!

African - fairly straight forward- anything that has a style of Africa. Animal prints, safari fashion, primitive shapes and natural materials in deep rich earth tones.
Art Deco - 1920s-1930s, geometric designs, stylised figures, straight lines. The Chrysler building, Miami hotels, flapper girls.
Art Nouveau - rich flowing lines, earthy colours, beautiful women, insects and flowers. The most widely known (and pure example) of Nouveau style is of Gaudi's buildings and Mucha's illustrations.
Asian - pretty straight forward, though given we have 'zen' down there as well, I'm going to assume Asian is anything that looks Chinese. Red and black, feng shui symbols- think Chinatown.
Athletic - Just think of the local sportwear shop, that's athletic. Tight fitting, simple lines, little in the way of pattern. I would assume yoga wear, leggings and gym bags would go in here.
Avant Garde - this is tricky- it's sort of art fashion. It literally means 'the new guarde' and it's anything hyper-modern and a bit out there, stuff you look at and think 'woah, that's...different.' If you consider yourself ahead of your time, then your stuff goes in here!
Boho - Boho is short for bohemian, it means long romantic dresses, beads, big handbags, ethnic prints, sun hats, 70s sunglasses, long hair, sandals... it's a sort of glamorous hippy.
Country Western - Cowboys, cowgirls, cowkids. The boots, the hat, the longhorn skulls, cactus, blue jeans, fringed leather. Yippee Ki-Yay!
Fantasy - anything with dragons, fairies, dwarves and elves (oh my!). Think Lord of the Rings, Labyrinth, Brian Froud, Conan. You can add romantic, tribal, gothic or steampunk to this style as well, it's quite broad.
Folk - this is a narrow field between 'woodland' (see below) and boho- folk is Scandinavian prints, 70s ethnic and mod all bundled together. Think gypsy caravans, gingerbread houses and bundled up Russian maids.
Goth - black black black. Usually with skulls and crosses as motifs, think Addams Family, The Craft, The Cure... goth is emo with drama. Goth has a million different sub-genres but there's usually something particular about a piece- you can have boho goth, industrial goth, romantic goth, Victorian goth, kawaii goth... you'll know which one you're looking for if you want to make/buy goth items.
High Fashion - designer wear, tailored forms, good quality materials and excellent craftsmanship. High Fashion is like a delicate way of saying 'very well made and very expensive'.
Hip Hop - Think Run DMC, The Beastie Boys, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Hip Hop is 80s and 90s street style- bright colours and sportswear brands paired with over-the-top gold jewelry and the most ridiculous Nikes you can find.
Hippie - hippie is boho with the addition of tie-dye, acid bright colours, big floral prints and ethnic prints. Think Hair, Woodstock and 60s Haight/Ashbury.
Hipster - barnwood, moustaches, black triangles, geometrics in primary colours, pared-back native style, nerd glasses, bikes, etc. If you make something that's hipster, you will know. Other attributes that go along with this are Industrial, tribal, woodland and Edwardian.
Historical - Anything that looks of a time period, usually pre-1920s. It's more specifically Victorian, Georgian, Elizabeth, Tudor... If you're going to label something historical it should be accurate for it's time- i.e. a Victorian style corset is not historical if it's not accurate to a decade (1880 for example), it's just a Victorian style corset. Most people who use/search historical will probably be looking for re-enactment gear and they want accuracy, accuracy, accuracy!
Hollywood Regency- part Moroccan bazaar, part Georgian townhouse, part Art Deco palace. Think 20s/30s/40s old-school glamour, Spanish architecture, silks and satins, creamy jewel colours and opulent rooms. Modern Hollywood Regency seems to have lost alot of the Moorish influence but still carries the elegant glamour of big old 1920s houses.
Industrial - this is a sort of modern look, but with very factory-style lines. Industrial is a very simple almost severe look, and is most often comprised of vintage salvaged things like steel-topped tables, trestles, product moulds from factories and big signs. Industrial has the feel of a big old factory, with lots of metal, chunky wood and hazard colours.
Kawaii - this is a Japanese fashion term, meaning 'cute'. Anything girlish and romantic with a serious addition of kitsch. Big eyed girls, anime, baby animals, candy colours. Anything a 14 year old girl would look at and think 'oh that's soooo cute!!!!' A hefty dose of pink.
Kitsch - Kitsch is retro tacky. Think of your grandmother's donkey shaped salt and pepper shakers, 1970s tourist souvenirs, 1960s paintings on velvet etc. Anything 60s/70s, colourful and humorous. Think Hairspray, Pee-Wee Herman and old-school Disneyland.
Mediterranean- a sort of rustic with a dose of preppy nautical and a touch of high-end resort. Mediterranean is hard look to pin down- it's usually white, terracotta, and bright blue. Nautical themes, summer style. Think of the Greek Islands and 1990s Ralph Lauren.
Mid-Century - Pure 1950s! Everything that was modern and clean lined in the 1950s. Soft colours such as lemon yellow, aqua, baby pink and sea green are used. There's not much pattern but when their is it's usually shapes like atoms, kidneys, arrowheads and boomerangs. Dior's 'new look' (despite it being 1947!) and the TV show Mad Men are perfect examples. A lot of stuff that's mid-mod is also called Eames era and atomic age.
Military - army style! Kahki greens and browns, brass buttons, soldiers uniforms, big black boots, tailored shapes, earth tones. Think M.A.S.H or the movie Stripes.
Minimalist - following the mantra 'less is more', this is modern with the most simple terms. Natural materials, stainless steel, straight lines, smooth textures, functional. Think of old movies when they show people in heaven. (Though ironically it's most people's idea of hell!) Minimalist style contains objects and fashion that does little more than serve it's function- all adornment is shunned.
Mod - sharp graphics, black and white, tight fitting clothes, geometric shapes, Mod is a sort of Mid-Century avant guarde. It was the stuff in the 60s that was diametrically opposite to the hippies and predominantly a UK style. Micro length shorts and skirts, knee high go-go boots, Perspex jewelry, tailored lines and sharp cuts. Think Austin Powers, The (original!!) Italian Job and model icons like Twiggy.
Modern - Modern is a sort of generic term for anything that's made now and is the typical example of it's time. IKEA furniture, Crate and Barrel...The thing about the modern attribute tag here is that it will put a modern angle on anything else you choose. Use modern with tribal if you make runway style, use modern with traditional if you've taken an antique dresser and painted it pink, use modern with Romantic if you've made a necklace that's a tea cup shape cut from white perspex, etc.
Nautical - nautical is black, blue and white, tailored shapes and anything you can attribute to yachting, so anchors, grommets, rope, etc. It's preppy at sea. Think Ralph Lauren, Miami Vice, The Love Boat. Nautical was huge in the 80s and 90s.
Neo-classical- a bit tough to pin down, this is a sort of historical modernism. Usually Italian style of the 17th and 18th centuries with a fresh, modern twist. It's marble columns, Georgian features, pale colours and elegant forms. Think the great cotton mansions of the South, Italian Renaissance details, 80s country club decor.
Preppy- think upper class, All-American, 1950s society athletics. It's country club golf lunch, private schools, tennis, yachting, croquet and equestrian pursuits. Think well-fitting clothes, clean lines, blazers, loafers, slick hair. Pattern is limited but is usually Argyle, checks and plaid.
Primitive - from a style point of view, this is usually American primitive (also called 'prim'). Colonial furniture, muddy colours, rusty metals and faded prints. Harvest themes and simple solid farmhouse aesthetics. Other attributes that will go with this include Rustic, Country and Tribal (for when you mean primitive man).
Resort - glamorous super models lounging by the pool. Kaftans, giant sunglasses, cocktails, swimwear (especially skimpy or classically tailored) and anything floaty and simple. There's a good dose of tropical in resort style.
Retro- I like to think of retro as 'kitsch vintage'. Retro is the period from the 60s to the 70s where things got a little out of control- think bold wallpaper, loud shirts, big patterns, wide flares and luminous colours. Disco meets Pop.
Rocker- this is sort of punk without the overkill. Rocker style is all about adding glam to a motorbike gang. Black leather, studded belts, cowboy boots, lightening bolts, skulls, electric guitars, stars and big hair. Colours are usually red, yellow, pink or lime green with a good dose of black. Think Aerosmith, 80s hair bands, Alice Cooper.
Rustic - texture! Anything that's rough, simply made and a little bit country. Raw wood, rusted metal, neutral colours. It's country pared right back and primitive without the colour.
Sci-Fi - Think star wars, star trek, Buck Rogers... lots of white, silver, clear, plastics and chrome. Colour is rare but it's usually fire engine red and royal blue in luminous 'what does this button do?' tones.
Shabby Chic - I think we all know what this looks like. I will delicately mention that Shabby Chic is a copyrighted term by Rachel Ashwell, and many people simply call it 'shabby cottage' instead (I would suggest Etsy changes this as soon as they can). It's white one white, lots of lace, faded natural tones, pink, roses, chandeliers, zinc buckets... you get the picture. Other attributes that will go with this include traditional, Boho, Victorian and Edwardian.
Southwestern- I only just learned this one the other day, back in the olden days they used to call this 'tex mex' or Santa Fe. It's part cowboy, part Indian. Desert colours, Native patterns, natural materials.
Spooky - I would guess this is what I call Halloween gothic. Ghosts, spiders, haunted houses, graveyards etc. It's the more cutsey side of gothic, usually with bright colours and lots of black.
Steampunk - Despite it's now ubiquitous place in modern lifestyle, a lot of people don't seem to know what steampunk is. Essentially it's anything of a mechanical nature given an overly Victorian appearance. It has a very flexible boundary, but for 'pure' steampunk it's earth and jewel tones, opulent design, Victorian lines and usually either clockwork, boiler rivets, old keys or some kind of industrial flair.
Techie - Bit unsure on this, I would assume they mean computer hackers and science geeks. We used to have a Geekery section on Etsy, so I would think anything in there goes in this. The goth, sci-fi and modern attributes would also fit well with this.
Traditional- Typically considered to be Georgian/Victorian, traditional is often a colonial look with handsome furniture, antique details and elegant patterns. Anything antique and grand usually fits the style perfectly. Relaxed dark colours and comfortable furniture, stately homes, gentleman's clubs and respectable hotels.
Tribal - much like African, tribal has a primitive barbarian feel to it. Bone beads, earth tones, geometric shapes like arrows and triangles, native style, simple construction, rough cast metal and natural materials.
Victorian - pretty straight forward- anything that's Victorian in style. You don't have to be accurate (that's what the historical tag is for!) but anything modelled to the last half of the 19th century is 'pure' Victorian, with the high peak being 1860s- 1880s. Though the Victorians were mad for colour, Victorian style now days is usually the ornate, lace-and-beaded black-on-black that was popular in the 1880s and 1890s, with high button boots, lace cuffs and cameo jewelry.
Waldorf- this one I had to look up, with mixed results! (I'm sure they don't mean 'looks like a salad'.) I assumed it was traditional meets Deco, typical of the famous hotel of the same name. If that is what Etsy's referring to, think 1930s New York, with refined elegance and classical lines. It's Annie's Daddy Warbucks- classic 20th century wall street style meets Art Deco glamour.
Woodland - sort of folk meets fairy tale. Anything with forest creatures such as deer, rabbits, foxes, birds and bears as well as flora like acorns, walnuts, blackberries, ferns, ivy and birch. Woodland stuff is very sweet and old-fashioned, like a children's story. Think Hansel and Gretel, Bambi and Goldilocks.
Zen- this is the Japanese side of Oriental. Clean lines, modern shapes and simple construction, Zen is clam, neutral in tone and almost minimalist in design

So there you go! I hope this helps everyone.

Beware Of Greek God Fitness Instructors:)

Wish I could say that I wrote this. Alas not, but I did add a few pics to  it and if it makes one person smile that's just fine by me.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.



MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasal whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the toilet. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a Mars Bar.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..

SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!